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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Humor: Adventures with Electric Dog Collars

My good friend acquired a very small dog; she was visiting the local shelter and her eyes locked with very sad brown eyes of a mixed breed. With a little attention, the dog responded with panting and tail-wagging so she decided that was the pet for her. Unfortunately, animal shelters do not tell you the bad habits of animals that they adopt out, the stories are always that the people had to move and could not take the dog with them making the situation more pitiful than it actually was.

It seems that this particular dog was very outspoken in a doggie sort of way and never ever stopped barking. It barked when it was happy, sad, mad, hungry, and any other reason that floated into its tiny brain. My friend was beside herself as what to do and her husband was angry (since he was on shift-work and could not get any sleep) the neighbors were also getting increasingly verbal towards them, and threatened to call the police.

The husband went to the local pet store and purchased a collar that was not only guaranteed to stop the barking, but would not harm the animal in any way. He happily brought his purchase home thinking he did his good deed for the day and his wife would be pleased. Not so, she sprayed him with words that he did not know she even knew and he was in trouble. What does a man do when trying to make amends? In this case, he was going to prove to his wife that “in no way would this collar harm an animal,” and offered to put the collar on himself to show her that his heart was in the right place.

After putting the little AAA batteries in, he carefully put the collar on his neck and invited her to press the shock button. She did, and he felt nothing. “Maybe the batteries are in wrong, no, they are correct; well here we can adjust the power of the shock, maybe it is not strong enough.” He moved the power up to medium dog and felt a little buzz, but nothing that would bother him. He was in the process of telling her that, “See, it definitely won’t hurt the dog,” when she moved the power up to giant dog completely bypassing large. ZAP… A minute or so later, he woke up on the floor unable to control his arms or legs let alone to speak. She was standing above him, smiling and all he could do was pray that she wasn’t out for revenge for every mistake he made in their married life.

My friend figured he had learned his lesson with one ZAP and didn’t pursue the matter further, of course she was satisfied with the test, which proved to her that this collar was NOT going on her pet and she planned to hire a “Dog Whisperer” to train her baby. In the meantime her husband took the collar back to the store trying to explain the reason for the return with stuttering, incomprehensible language as he wiped the drool from his numb lips.

They did hire a “Dog Whisperer” who trained the dog and the barking has stopped, the neighborhood is back to normal, the husband is no longer in trouble, my friend is happy except for her husband’s occasional drooling when he is under stress.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Humor: Dog Stories

I truly love dogs and have had many over my lifetime. I want you to know that until I got married, all the dogs I had were normal; some were good dogs, and others misbehaved, but would obey eventually. I should have paid more attention when I visited my future in-law's home; yes the old adage is true, dogs are like their masters. Alas, love is blind and I was so taken with my fiancé that I did not notice that his parents owned a dog from hell.

I was a dog-trainer for heaven's sake, you would think I would notice that this dog was so messed up it would never recover. They pampered her, gave her treats, took her everywhere and all they got in return was a yappy, sniveling creature that would sneak up behind you and bite your heals (or whatever was close enough to the ground for her to reach). Far be it that anyone would correct her upon being bit because "she was just so darned cute;" and if you did slip-up and cuffed her under her chin, you would get some large cooking utensil thrown at you and many cuss words until you crawled out of the house totally ashamed of your misdeeds.

So we got married and got a dog; several over the years, but I noticed that none of these dogs were normal. Oh, they would bark and pant like a normal dog, but something was missing. I have always loved the German shepherd because they were loyal, smart, protective, and had good temperaments so they could be raised along with children. They were never nervous or yappy like my in-law's (or their dog), but calm and nice to be around. I tried to give them obedience training and they would do OK until my husband came home and then they would be nervous, yappy, and jump around like they had no brains. Ahh, I am assuming that hubby must be their master and they are mimicking him and his family's traits.

OK, so I don't learn my lessons too well, and acquired a new German shepherd puppy (after saying, never again for the 12th time). Black and Silver with a pedigree; surely he will be perfect. He was for the first two years; then just like magic, he went insane. He would go across the field and stand in the middle of the road like he did not know where he was (he didn't) and the cars would have to go around him until he heard us calling and figured out that "home must be in that direction."

When he gets excited, he chases his tail (I know a lot of dogs do that), but while he is chasing his tail he gets so involved that he does not see he is close to the house or a parked car, his head hits it and he falls - completely stunned, then gets up and starts over again. He is really lucky that we do not live next to a cliff because he would chase his tail and end up in the ravine. Mind you he has fallen of the deck a few times, but it is only about three feet high, so as long as he goes head-first, he won't get hurt.

You might have guessed it, my husband is much like his parents and I know he dearly loves his dog, he just doesn't see that the dog has severe problems. He is older now (the dog) and like most shepherds has bad hips. You would never know it because he is constantly chasing his tail and yapping until he hits his head on something. He has a harder time getting up, but he has got the spunk to keep on trying.

Kobe's Tales

I am a black and silver German shepherd with a pedigree of champions. I came to my family when I was seven months old after growing up in a kennel. I really hated it there - all boxed in a kennel run, the owner hosed the kennel down (and me) every day, it made me very angry. My owner decided to visit a friend and she took me along - WOW - this was a new adventure! We visited and then she just left me there with these strange people, I was beside myself and did not know what to think! The new people put me on a chain and had a kennel for nighttime. Everything was so strange, but they did not hose the kennel down with me in there and I was only on a chain long enough to respond to them. I liked responding to them - they brushed me, scratched my ears, hugged me, and fed me the good stuff, not like the dry stuff I had at the kennel.

Well, I grew and did not have to be in the kennel at nights any more because I was promoted to the job of watch dog. I have a big yard to watch and keep safe from rabbits, birds, blowing leaves, and that nasty squirrel. My humans now have a name; Pappa and Mamma. I like Pappa best and I try to help him when he works around the yard. Mamma is another story - she makes me mind. She just looks at me and points, I lie down and stay - I have no idea why, but that is just the way it is. Pappa has to tell me to lie down at least 90 times; I am just too excited when he is around. I want to run and jump and lick him and play - then Mamma comes and points and the fun is all over.

My humans have other humans and these humans have a very small human that they carry around, but the humans also have a playmate for me. His name is Oly (pronounced Oh Lee); he is a mixed German shepherd and Burmese Mountain Dog. He is two years older than I and somewhat pushy at times, but I like him and he is a good friend. Oly is very adventurous and sometimes when our humans are not looking he sniffs the air and whispers, "let's go!" So we run and run for hours sniffing all the smells in the fields and the forest. We do not stop until we get tired and then we come home. Oly gets in a lot of trouble with his human for that, but Mamma just points and I lay down. Then when Oly's human isn't looking, Mamma sneaks us a Milk Bone because she knows we need a boost of energy. Then Pappa scratches our ears and we know all is well and that we are forgiven for the worry we caused. Then Oly's human takes him home until the next play date.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, my humans also have a black pig. His name is Porky. He stays in my old kennel run and has a pink house. Stupid pig, stupid looking house - sometimes I sneak up on him and bark and then he makes stupid snorts back at me... He smells funny, and makes strange noises; I do not like him in my yard. I am glad I am not in the kennel run, but I don't like him there at all. Even a cat is better than a pig, yuck... Mamma goes out and feeds him every day and changes the water; I get so mad that I run around and around the kennel run and bark nasty words at him. He doesn't car; he just eats his food and grunts at me; he is just a stupid pig.

One day, Pappa took me out to the shop and Mamma let Porky out to graze in the grass. I knew something was not right with the air smell, so I snuck back up and the pig gate was open! I started sniffng the groung to see where Porky could have escaped to. I sniffed around the yard until I happened to notice Porky was down by the pond eating the apples that fell off the tree. His stupid looking tail was wagging and he was grunting and snorting. Well. this is NOT something that should be happening!

I crouched down and snuck as quietly as I could to where he was eating. He did not notice me, so I pounced on him, trying to grab his ear. He screamed and turned around at me. I barked nasty words and he started to run. That pig has short legs, but he can run as fast as I can! The chase was on... I heard Mamma yell at Pappa, and Pappa came running as did their other human, Bill. Porky and I ran right through Pappa, knocking him down. "Sorry, I do not have time to lick your wounds," I barked at Pappa - "I have to catch the pig!" I got a bite of his ear, but just then Bill grabbed my collar, yanking me to a stop, and Porky's ear just slipped out of my mouth.

Porky kept running all the way over to the neighbor's field. Bill brought me into the house to see Mamma, who pointed, and I obediently laid down. Bill and Pappa went out to the field with bread crumbs so Porky would follow them back home; they locked him in his kennel and the fun was over. I heard Mamma tell pappa that Porky was not allowed to be out anymore unless I was inside the house. Pappa said that Porky was a half a mile away before he and Bill caught up to him - I guess I gave him a good scare, just wait until next time!
The End For Now